SALAD, ANYONE? OR OF RATS AND SALAD! Diana R. Flynn AKA The Dark Eyed vhrd53d@Prodigy.com Disney characters are Disney's. My characters are mine, etc. etc. Alright, this is NOT any sort of sequel to any of my other 3 stories (Reality Check, Echo Summit, and No Rest Between Fire and Ice) but you might want to read one or more of those in order to understand the characters Saval, Mirael and Ralea. (I do not believe that S.P.A.M. requires any prerequisite, but you might want to have a good psychologist handy for afterward.) I might use some of these scenes in a future story, but I doubt it. Read on and find out why. It's stupid, but it's short. On the Nethri homeworld... MIRAEL: (Looking down on a dead rodent the size of a medium- small sized dog.) Poor little thing. LEX: What are you looking at, Mirael? MIRAEL: A dead Murka Rat. LEX: So is this your world's equivalent of a Bronx? MIRAEL: (Stands up.) No. This is my world's equivalent of a Big Mac. LEX: (Chokes) Say what?! You eat these things? MIRAEL: (Nods) Yeah. They're great with salad and a little barbecue sauce. LEX: And you won't even _touch_ Macaroni and Cheese? MIRAEL: Hey, do you see this thing glowing fluorescent orange? In the Eyerie Building... SAVAL: (Holds up icky-lookin' rodent by base of its tail. Rodent is about the size of her fist, and is reddish in color. Rodent also has a small Illuminati pin clamped between its teeth.) RODENT: Keeeeek! (This is Rodent for "AAAAA!!") PUCK/OWEN: (Looks at Rodent in mild disgust) What's that? SAVAL: It's a twitch rat. PUCK/OWEN: (Eyes the twitching twitch rat) Wonderful. What's a twitch rat? SAVAL: One of these. PUCK/OWEN: (Gives Saval a _look._) SAVAL: Twitch rats are not natural creatures. They're miserable little things, probably because they can only eat gross substances such as slime molds, and have a bunch of uncleanly habits and an unusually high pain threshold. These 'talents' make them the creatures of choice for the more sadistic of the Kwa'Nili and Nethri magic users to transform their more annoying victims into. PUCK/OWEN: Of choice? Why? SAVAL: Well, Kwa'Nili are known for a certain sick sense of humor, and Inyi ARE predatory. ...not to mention that these things are great with a little salad. RODENT: Keeeeek! (See above.) SAVAL: (To Rodent) Oh, relax. PUCK/OWEN: (Narrows his eyes.) You wouldn't happen to know what happened to my pet mouse, Horatio, now _would_ you?! SAVAL: Well, uh... PUCK/OWEN: Oh forget it. SAVAL: Okay. PUCK/OWEN: (Looks back to Rodent.) So this thing used to be a- SAVAL: A human? Oh yes. More specifically, it used to be Detective Matthew Bluestone. PUCK/OWEN: Really? (To Rodent) Hey, Matt, great look for you! (Sees the pin. To Saval) You're probably right. He's the only Illuminatus stupid enough to go up against a Kwa'Nili. RODENT: (Tries to bite Owen.) PUCK/OWEN: Are you sure it was a Kwa'Nili? SAVAL: Actually I'm sure it wasn't. I'm sure it was my sister Ralea. PUCK/OWEN: Come again? SAVAL: (Hands Rodent to Owen and gets out a piece of paper.) She left a note. PUCK/OWEN: (Reads note.) Hello little sister, I've gotten another of your precious Secondaries. You really should pay more attention. ...not that it will do you any good, BWA HA HA!! Kindest Regards, Ex-Healer Ralea. SAVAL: I HATE it when she calls me "little sister!" PUCK/OWEN: Wait a minute. "Another Secondary?" Who was the first one, Saval? SAVAL: Uh... When exactly was the last time you spoke to your boss? PUCK/OWEN: (Clenches fist.) WHAT?! RODENT: Kkkkkkkk... (This is Rodent for, "Help! I'm choking to death!") SAVAL: Hey Puck, watch the rat! PUCK/OWEN: (Loosens fist.) Oops. RODENT: Keh. Keh. (This is Rodent for "If I were my right size, you'd be flat on the floor with a broken jaw right now, pal.) PUCK/OWEN: So you think Ralea turned Dave into one of these... (Eyes the icky-lookin' Matt.) ...twitch rats? SAVAL: Maybe. Why don't you call him and find out? PUCK/OWEN: Good idea. (Dials on his trusty cellphone.) DAVID XANATOS'S STUPID PERSONAL ANSWERING MACHINE (Known as "Spam."): Hello, you have reached David Xanatos, big shot future ruler of this planet. I've been turned into some kind of rodent at the moment, so if you'll leave a message... PUCK/OWEN: Aa! My boss has been turned into a rat! Oh why must I live out the American Dream? S.P.A.M.: If you're here to foil one of my diabolical schemes, please press 1 now... PUCK/OWEN: Can nothing be done? S.P.A.M.: If you want to hear me tell endless anecdotes about my wonderful son, Alex, press 2... SAVAL: If there was anything I could do, don't you think I'd have tried it on Matt over here? S.P.A.M.: If you want to hear me laugh maniacally, press 3... PUCK/OWEN: Not if you needed something to go with your salad! RODENT: Keeeeek! (If you still need a translation, then you _deserve_ to have to look back to the beginning!) S.P.A.M.: If you want to hear me say just how well things are going according to plan, press 4... SAVAL: Please! I'm more professional than that! ...and twitch rats really only go with romaine lettuce. All I've got is an iceberg and a few tomatoes. S.P.A.M.: If you want to get tickets to hear Dr. Sevarious singing "I'm Just a Sweet Transvestite," press 5 (and my wife said that no one would pay to see that)... PUCK/OWEN: Okay, okay. Ralea cast the spell. What happens if Ralea dies? S.P.A.M.: If you want to hear more phone messages, press 6. You'll get a good psychiatrist... SAVAL: Well... It depends on how many live eels she sacrificed during the spell process, but... PUCK/OWEN: Live eels? S.P.A.M.: If you're asking for money, hang up. RODENT: Chichichichichichi! (This is Rodent for, "There were exactly six live eels! Doesn't anyone here speak Rodent?!") SAVAL: Yes. Live eels are vital to most twitch rat spells, though some variations allow you to use accountants instead. ...If Ralea dies, Matt and Dave will probably return to normal. (Looks at Matt.) Well... Dave will. RODENT: KIIIIEEEEK!! (This is Rodent for "YEEEES!!") SAVAL: Unless she used more than five eels or added a pinch of cinnamon. Then they have to start looking for jobs as laboratory animals. RODENT: Ek! (This is Rodent for, "Crud! I don't want to be a laboratory animal!") PUCK/OWEN: (Looks back to note) Hey wait a minute! This note was forged! SAVAL: What? How can you tell? PUCK/OWEN: Doesn't Ralea usually dot her i's with little hearts? SAVAL: Egad, you're right! And those flourishes on the t's... This note was written by my sixth grade math teacher! I'd know that evil scrawl anywhere. He isn't a Nethri! The spell is flawed! Hang on a minute, Matt... ~~~COOL SHADOW MAGIC ANIMATION AS RODENT CHANGES BACK INTO MATT~~~ MATT: Think you TOOK long enough?! SAVAL: Well HE'S certainly grateful. Come on, Puck, let's go see Dave. PUCK/OWEN: Excellent idea. Good day, Detective. (Puck/Owen and Saval leave the room.) MATT: (Groan.) I'll never touch a salad again... THE END