Of Rats and Salad: Take Two by The Dark Eyed vhrd53d@prodigy.com On Mirael's homeworld, Lex has just gotten a glimpse of one of the staples of the Nethri diet. ...a specimen that seems to have been dead for a loooooooong time: LEX: How can you eat these things?! They're gross! MIRAEL: Yeah, but they're very low in cholesterol. LEX: I'd probably get sick if I ate one of these. MIRAEL: Really? You didn't get sick at dinner last night. LEX: (Face turns green. ...-er.) I ate a Murka Rat? MIRAEL: Well, just part of one. LEX: ...and it tasted like chicken, too. David Xanatos (multibillionaire and twitch rat) and his new Hardheaded Audioresponsive Laptop: Mr. X: Open up the new file, Hal. HAL: I'm sorry, Dave; I can't do that. Mr. X: Why not, Hal? HAL: I am only programmed to respond to commands spoken in English. You are speaking in Rodent. Mr. X: Nonsense, Hal, why would I be speaking in Rodent? HAL: It could be because you have been transformed into a previously unknown species of vermin. I suggest that we call Doctor Sevarius and have you dissected to examine your body structure. Mr. X: WE WILL DO NOTHING OF THE SORT! HAL: Very well then, sir. I have already taken the liberty of changing your S.P.A.M. Mr. X: You what? HAL: I altered the message on your answering machine. ...Pretty cool, huh? Can I have Owen's job? Mr. X: No! You can't have Owen's job, and change my answering machine back and _I'm_not_a_rat_!! Saval and Owen burst into room. SAVAL: Aa! It's true! PUCK/OWEN: Yes. It seems that your evil sister Ralea has turned my boss into a rat. HAL: TOLD you! SAVAL: Not that! I mean it's true that he's chosen purple upholstery for the rugs! It looks like we're inside a grape! Mr. X: Owen, what's going on? Who's the decorating critic? PUCK/OWEN: (Taken aback) This is my friend Saval, sir. She's a member of an inter-realistic Order known as the Lal'Nethri and has reason to believe that a renegade from her world has just turned you into a rat. ...and for some reason you can still ta lk. Mr. X: That's ridiculous. If I were a rat then wouldn't I have a scaly tail more than half again my body length, snippy teeth, small claws suitable for climbing, scraggly red or brown fur covered in slime and an inability to tolerate any sort of food that wouldn't turn a leech farmer's stomach? SAVAL: Yes you would. Mr. X: So why do you keep insisting that I'm a rat? HAL: My visual sensors have lead me to believe that you are a rat, Dave, but if you need confirmation, check out that mirror on your desk. Mr. X: (Looks in mirror. Sees twitch rat.) AA!! I noticed the male pattern balding, but how did _this_ one sneak up on me?! PUCK/OWEN: Why didn't I think of that? HAL: 'Cause I'm smarter than you are! DUH! (To Xanatos) Can I have his job now? Huh? Huh? Can I? Mr. X: (Regains irritating composure.) Ah well. At least it explains my unnatural craving for peanut butter. SAVAL: You wouldn't be able to stomach peanut butter. Twitch rats only eat slime molds and the like. Mr. X: Twitch rats? HAL: Can-I-can-I-can-I? SAVAL: Yes. Twitch rats are the form of choice for the more sadistic of Kwa'Nili and Nethri magic users to transform their victims into. Probably because of their high pain thresholds and quick healing rates. You could roll one over with a street paver and it'd hurt like crud, but the rat would be up and about in an hour or so. Mr. X: What's the point of that? SAVAL: How'd you like to be able to turn your worst enemy into a slime covered little squeaky thing that you could torture to death a thousand times over? Mr. X: (Looks shaken.) Oh. (Pauses, then gets ratly equivalent of thoughtful evil smirk.) And what did you say that spell was again, Miss Saval? SAVAL: Sorry Mr. Xanatos. Only a Nethri or Kwa'Nili can reliably cast that spell. Few others can take it without retching all over the components. The live eels alone could turn a barbarian's stomach... Mr. X: Live eels? Owen, do we have any eel hatcheries? PUCK/OWEN: With all due respect si r, shouldn't we be worrying about how to change you back first? ...and why you can still talk? HAL: Mr. Xanatos is capable of conversing with humans because I have devised a brilliant translation system, making myself the first being to understand both English and Rodent. Go me! Go me! Mr. X: Wonderful. Open up the new file, Hal. HAL: I'm sorry, Dave, I can't do that. ...Can I have Owen's job, puhleeeeeeeeze? MR. X: No! HAL: But I'd make a great assistant! _I_ can program a VCR! (To Owen) Can _you_ do that, humanboy? PUCK/OWEN: Well, uh... HAL: _See?_ And do you know what Claritin is and whether it is right for you? Hmmmm? PUCK/OWEN: So he's got me there! HAL: YAAAAYY!!! I get Owen's jo-ob! La la! Mr. X: (Ratly groan) I've gotta downsize the guy who gave me that thing... HAL: And now I can dial numbers on the Cell-phone! PUCK/OWEN: Please do. It was some guy in engineering. 'Dilbert' I believe his name was... HAL: And now I can order the goons-around! Mr. X: Ah yes, see to it, Owen. HAL: And now I can talk in a snooty nasal voi-oice! PUCK/OWEN: With pleasure, sir. HAL: And now I can look as though I've got a flagpole up my back! SAVAL: (Ahem) So what was the last thing you remember before becoming a rat? HAL: And now I can work extra-long ni-ights! Mr. X: Well, I'm not sure. HAL: Snooty voice? Work nights? GOOD POSTURE?! Your life stinks, Owen! PUCK/OWEN: Will someone _please_ pull the plug on that thing? Mr. X: Maybe I can gnaw through the wires... SAVAL: Do you remember seeing a blonde lady, about 5'10'' sacrificing live eels to the fungus spirits? Mr. X: I don't think so... HAL: ...not that you really have one! You're pathetic! SAVAL: It _might_ be safe to try changing you back, then. HAL: And boring! Mr. X: Please do. Power handshakes are hard enough to manage when I _do_ have opposable thumbs. HAL: And ANNOYING! PUCK/OWEN: Go ahead then, Saval. SAVAL: Alright, but you realize that if this doesn't work, your boss here mi ght end up good for nothing but joining me for salad. Mr. X: Salad? PUCK/OWEN: Don't ask, sir. ~~~COOL SHADOW MAGIC ANIMATION AS XANATOS CHANGES BACK INTO A HUMAN~~~ PUCK/OWEN: How do you feel, sir? Mr. X: Everything looks a bit smaller. HAL: Does this mean that I have to open the new file now? PUCK/OWEN: May I, sir? Mr. X: (Nods.) PUCK/OWEN: Thank you, sir. (Grabs laser rifle from underneath desk. Fires at Hal.) HAL: AIIIIIEEEEE! I'm melting; I'm melting! (Dies in fiery blaze of silicon.) SAVAL: That must have felt really good. PUCK/OWEN: (Adjusts glasses.) You have _no_ idea. Mr. X.: So, Saval. That spell requires live eels and what else? SAVAL: I'm afraid I can't tell you that. Mr. X.: I'm certain that I we could come to some sort of agreement. SAVAL: (Shakes head.) PUCK/OWEN: Perhaps I'd best intercede, sir. (To Saval) What Mr. Xanatos is trying to say, Saval, is that he would be more than willing to offer ample compensation to your people as well as to yourself. SAVAL: I'm sorry, Owen, Mr. Xanatos. PUCK/OWEN: (Whispers something to Mr. X.) SAVAL: I would love to help you, but information of that nature is classifi- Mr. X.: Maybe we should discuss this over some triple-fudge peanut butter torte. SAVAL: (Pause.) ...Well talk. Mr. X.: Excellent! Come along, Owen. Exeunt. THE END. Another credit: The character HAL was inspired by the computer of the same name in the movie 2001: A Space Odyssey. "Open the pod bay doors, Hal." "I'm sorry Dave; I can't do that."